I have been doing a good job of being hardcore in my workouts and in the cleanness of my eating. I am also gaining weight. After a week of diligent carb cycling, super clean eating, and intense workouts, I stepped on the scale on Saturday fully expecting to lose weight (since I’d done everything I should and very little that I shouldn’t), hoping it would be as much as 2 or 3 pounds. Instead, I gained a pound and half. And I lost it.
It took a few minutes, but I started crying. Crying over a number, crying because it brought up so many feelings of inadequacy for me. First, I was frustrated because I didn’t know why it was happening; but quickly that spiraled downward, and all I could think was, “I’m not good enough.”
No matter what I do, or how hard I try, it’s not enough. I don’t do enough. I am not enough.
The feelings were brought up by my weight-loss efforts, but they are about so much more. This is one of my core issues, this insecurity, this sense that I lack. Of course, it is all false. I am inherently good enough; I am inherently worthy of love, a precious being.
But I have been losing site of that again. All of this wedding planning has pushed me back to the exterior, to the feeling that I have to be and seem a certain way in order to be good enough. I’ve been getting stuck in that damaging message that how I appear is what matters. I feel judgment, and I judge too. I look at wedding websites and blogs, and all the thoughts about decor and dress styles are thoughts of judgment. What if I don’t do it well enough? What if people think it looks dumb or cheap? What if they think I look dumb? Or worse, fat and ugly?
I’ve gotten so overwhelmed by the expectations of appearance, of being a bride, and what I am supposed to do to fulfill those expectations. Get my hair done for the day, and cut and re-dye it first, get my makeup professionally done. Have my teeth whitened. Get a facial to remove the milias on my face and just freshen the whole thing up. Have my eyebrows done. Buy special undergarments, buy jewelry, buy shoes. Get the dress fitted. And lose weight. Lose weight, lose more weight, seriously, lose some more weight because everyone, I mean everyone will be looking at you. All these terrible messages about how much I have to do to look good enough and, thus, be enough.
I was crying because of all the pressure I’ve felt about losing weight to look better in my dress, and what if I don’t and I end up looking terrible? It was so hard to come back out of that mindset, and it took totally breaking down and then having a friend remind me that it’s not about the dress or my size, but about love. And how I look is a reflection of the joy and love I feel because that is what truly matters.
It’s an important perspective shift. I can either be dragged around by my anxiety, by feelings of inadequacy, by worry, feeling burdened by my every move and how, if it’s wrong, it could mean judgment and the removal of love. Or… I can start with my own heart, with the joy I feel, with the love I know, with that deep understanding of my own self and my worth and move forward in that way, knowing that I am valuable, I am love. And nothing changes that, not a number, not anything.