Archive for February, 2014

Because I feel like I’m in a rut, I also feel like I don’t have much to say. Or write about. But that’s not actually true. What is true is that I am finding it harder to talk about my experience now that it has been challenging for a long time. I’ve been working to lose the 10 pounds I gained around and after my wedding for almost a year now, and what I’ve managed to work my way through so far are the six additional pounds I gained over the holidays. I am struggling with focus. The laser-like intensity that took me through losing 58 pounds is something I have lost. Or at least, I have lost about 20% of it, which, for me, is enough to stop losing weight. And a holiday bout of feeling like “Eff it, I’m going to do whatever I want (including being self-destructive)” was enough for me to gain weight.

I have fallen off the path where I did not eat sugar or refined carbs and could not imagine a scenario where I would eat them. I had a strongly held choice and belief, and now I want a brownie. And a croissant. And also some pie. My addictive relationship with food did not go away during the year and a half that I put it aside. Like the disembodied spirit of Sauron, it waited in the shadows as almost nothing until it saw its chance, some small cracks, and then it used those to grow.

I am still back at it. I am spending a lot of energy focusing on eating well. I am using a new eating plan, which is very strict, except for the seventh day of every week, which is a free day. I do not understand how to approach the free day with moderation. Every week, I seeing myself act out my issues with food for one day. What I’m working with is staying present with myself, paying attention, and doing my best to understand. My goal is to feel my way through this. To make changes from my heart, from what I truly feel, instead of what is prescribed. Because the prescription only worked so long, and ultimately, it’s on me to figure out my path.


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